I have pretty bad anxiety when it comes to gyms and any sort of exercising in front of people (yes I’m working through this with my therapist). There’s just something so vulnerable about doing a bunch of repeated motions in a room with a bunch of other people also doing repeated motions while being breathy and sweaty. I think a lot of my discomfort stems from the body’s own self-hatred forced upon us the minute we are born as women. I’m alone with my body and its functions when I’m exercising it and that is terrifying.
For the past few years, starting when covid did, I’ve been doing at-home workout routines like that of Chloe Ting, Blogilates, and The Fitness Marshall. I occasionally jog a few times a week if I’m lucky and have time. While it’s a good foundation and free, I just don’t feel like I’m getting the results I want. I don’t feel exceptionally strong or confident in my body–just kind of okay. Despite this, I’ve been so afraid to go to the gym or take fitness classes because of my aforementioned anxiety.
I can probably count the number of times I’ve been in a gym environment after high school on one hand. I’ve been bouldering a few times which I wished I liked more but I’ve come to know I’m actually afraid of heights and I can’t seem to pass the upper body strength threshold needed to accomplish more than V1. I’ve also done a few pickleball demonstrations at the Chinatown NYC Recreation Center which was incredibly anxiety-inducing right before I went but totally chill after the first time. I haven’t been back in a while because we have our own net now. Before our first session at the rec, all I could think about were the days of high school when snotty boys would yell at me for being just a tad too slow at receiving a badminton birdie. Or when anytime I had the ball in any sport, boys would yell don’t give her the ball!! Please tell me I’m not alone in this experience so I feel better. This is perhaps the reason I hate playing any sort of team game…Anywho, I’ve avoided gyms for so long but I was feeling a little cheeky last week and signed up for a free intro class at Orangetheory.
I expected it would lead me to some kind of fitness revelation. I wanted it to make me addicted to going to the gym and give me the confidence to try other gyms. The thousand Reddit posts I read the night before made it seem like witchcraft fueled by your own sweat and raw vigor. I went in there expecting folks of all different fitness levels, ages, sizes, etc. but I should have known I would be met by a class of all super-fit millennials since we are, in fact, in Park Slope. Not a single person talked to another person the whole hour–including the other guy there who also came for his first class (he was completely ripped and came on a whim after passing by the gym). I thought I would at least have some camaraderie with him but he didn’t even look at me a single time. I gave him a thumbs-up at the end of the hour and he said damn that was hard and made a beeline for the door.
The instructor was a peppy woman with boulders for quads. I told her that I haven’t used most of the equipment before and she smiled at me and said you got it!! :))) The whole time I was looking at her asking if my form was correct and she would say yas go girl!!! It wasn’t very useful but it at least reassured me. I mostly peeked at the folks around me to make sure I was doing things right. By the end, my ass was kicked but I craved more. All I could think was that’s it?– not in terms of my strength being pushed but more in terms of that desired adrenaline rush. I really thought my un-fit ass would be puking by the end of it but I would be completely exhilarated and energized. I enjoyed the last set on the treadmill because they were playing Ice Spice and Bad Bunny and I was singing along to myself but everyone else was looking straight ahead so focused on their running. No offense but you guys are boring :/ …
All in all, I definitely felt physically pushed in the right direction and the exercises were perfectly challenging but I wanted more. I wanted to feel community and connection and actual comments on my form. Personally, I don’t think it’s worth $35 per class. Despite these things, it did give me more confidence in the gym setting. I was so scared to go but it’s literally just the same stuff I do at home but with other people and extra things to lift in the room. I was scared people would be judging me and looking at me the whole time but no one did at all and it was even worse somehow. I might try out the YMCA nearby or the free gym at the rec center next and see how they make me feel. In theory, the gym is supposed to do all these things like make you hotter and stronger and more confident but it really is up to you to make that experience real and actually valuable to you, not some overpriced gym membership.
I would love to know your experiences at fitness classes and if you might suggest any. Please comment below if you have any wisdom for me. That’s it for this week! Peace and love.